It crept up on me. But I must say it was tranquil and satisfying. There were no bows or ribbons. There were no parties with lots of friends and hoopla…
But I am very satisfied with the outcome. My boys surprised me one night after work with cupcakes and some things that I had on my wish list. My Lark was delighted to shower me with those things that he thought I would like. Those simple things that he knew pleased me. But what I really delighted in were the efforts these two charming boys took in making my day special.
There were cupcakes.
It was so much fun watching my boys enjoy the delicious cupcakes. I found myself satisfied with the experience of watching them eat. Yes I did eat one myself and I was satisfied.
As someone who has always been focused on the food and still struggles with this from time to time. It dawned on me that there has been a change. Maybe it was my birthday day gift to me. I’ve finally realized or maybe come to an understanding that it is way more satisfying to enjoy the event, the people and their pleasure then to indulge in the food of the moment.
I only needed one cupcake. And don’t be mislead, it was delicious! But it was way more satisfying to enjoy the moment.
So why was this? Well its been a long time coming. It’s been 12 years since I had weight loss surgery. My tiny tank has physically prevented me from over eating and gaining back my weight. But weight loss surgery does not cure the addiction or disease of always needing more. Not knowing when to stop. Not knowing that eating will not make me happy. Trying to comfort myself with food.
My recent discoveries over the past few years have been defining. Yes I’ve been trying to lose some regain that I never took off after my pregnancy. But what I’ve really changed these last two years has been my reaction to others behaviors and the decisions I’ve made in defense of myself.
I’ve always put others before myself. This puts yourself in a postion to never be cater to. People in your life always think your “ok” “she’ll be fine.” Over the last two years I’ve been able to more clearly see the role I have always played in my life, in my family.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am a caregiver by nature and don’t think this will change. But what I have realized is that I need to care for myself before I can best care for others. Now a priest, a friend, once explained this to me earlier in my life but it didn’t stick. It took me about 10 years for me to catch on.
By making changes to care for myself I have slowly found more comfort and satisfaction in things other then food. Even as I type these words I still can’t quit believe it.
What have I changed?
First, I started making the “the right choice for me.” I stopped always feeling like I needed to say “yes.” I started realizing that by saying yes to everything, trying to prove myself I was in fact tiring myself out. I started asking myself “do I really want to do this?” I learned how to say “no” and make the right choice for me. This has been very difficult for me, but has made the biggest difference. I now have more time for myself or for those I really want to spend my time with.
Second, I stopped rushing, I started planning accordingly. I stopped “squeezing” too much in. Although I thought it was a good thing in fact it made me nutty. I now feel much more even keeled and calm because I don’t have to do everything. I’ve started to learn how to be ok with less done.
The third thing and most recent change I have made has been to remember that less is more. I have been trying to apply this statement to most things in my life. Food, things, expectations, possessions, words, etc. It helps to keep things simple. It allows me time to focus on what is really important.
Myself and my boys.
Happy Birthday to me!