I’ve always been a girl who executes, who no matter what, gets the job done. I’ve got some stories about the crazy things I’ve done to accomplish a task at hand. Perhaps at another weak moment I will tell one of those stories or two. On the outside this behavior can come across to others as leadership. But I know better. I haven’t always known why I have this drive, but I’ve learned over the last 10 years.
I know what drives me to finish everything, to appeal to everyone, to do the right thing, to always say “yes,” to volunteer for everything, to never say no to anything. To bend over backwards, to always do whatever it takes to succeed or make someone else happy.
It’s pure desperation. Desperation to prove myself to others.
Now what’s wrong with this?
Well, by doing all of these things I put myself LAST.
Why am I so desperate to prove myself to everyone else but myself. Why am I so desperate to appeal to everyone but put myself last?
How can I turn this around?
These are things I’ve been working on this year. I wrote my True Colors post last year around this time. There, I defined what I wanted to focus on and change about myself.
Even after you lose weight there are still things to figure out. Even after you’ve change the way you eat, you need to figure out how to feed your soul. How to treat yourself so you can be the best you. How to put yourself first in order to be the healthiest you.
What I’ve learned so far.
It’s hard to change behaviors that are so a part of you that people get shook up when you don’t keep acting that way.
It’s taken a whole year. I had to make a lot of hard choices. And some days I still struggle against my want for others approval.
But I have a stronger voice inside now. There is a stronger voice sticking up for my interests. Guiding me.
The funny thing is. I am more prepared to help others now that I have put myself first. By putting myself first I am a stronger me. I make better choices for myself and others.
And the best part about it is that I choose whether I want to do something. I don’t have that desperate need to be accepted.
I don’t need to prove myself anymore.
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