How others see you

I had a completely different blog post planned for tonight. But I had to write this one.  I spoke to a close friend tonight.  One of my college roommates.  We were discussing a potential shoe purchase and sharing coupons for a favorite store.  The kind of things close friends do.  Now mind you I’ve known this woman for twenty eight years.  She is one of my cherished forever friends.

The conversation changed from sandals and coupons to my recent blog posts about the scale moving, finally!!

What you need to know is not all my close friends read my blog.  Only a few are aware of it.  After I had weight loss surgery, there was the big wow factor for a few years, then life went on.  I’ve only been blogging about my journey for a year or so and have shared it only with a few close friends.

Why is this? Well I haven’t felt all that successful because of my regain.  Yeah the regain after my son was born that I never lost.

This year has been a year of self discovery for me.  A year of seeing myself.  I’ve been moving so fast and working so hard to help others that I’ve neglected myself.  Feeling like a weight loss surgery flunk.

I’ve realized this year that, no I am not!  It’s been hard to clarify to myself, but after a visit to my surgeons office to check in and a good long look at the fact that I have maintain a 133 weight loss.  FINALLY I’ve given myself a pat on the back.

So back to girl talk….

My friend mentioned on the phone today that she knew I was doing well with losing recently and she wanted to be supportive of that.

She shared with me that we hadn’t really talked about my weight loss surgery in a while.

Funny.  I don’t really talk about it too much anymore with friends.  Maybe I should!?

I shared with her that I hadn’t been feeling so great about my regain.  She said “yeah like the gain we’ve all had after our children were born.”  She kind of scoffed at me like a true friend can.  She began to tell me how she felt about my journey.

My dear friend shared with me that when she thinks of me she still sees me as I was in college.  (We don’t live too far from each other but only see each other maybe four times a year.  We do talk on the phone as much as we can.)

I smiled when she said this.  And I said to her, “so you must be like WOW each time you see me?”  And she said “well yeah I do.”

“But” she said “most of all I notice how you’ve changed when I hug you.  I miss how round and soft you felt back then.  I miss that when I hug you now.  Remember, you taught me how to hug someone.  You made me feel ok and good about hugging someone.  You taught me how to give  someone a REAL hug”

 OK I’m just taking a quick breather here while I write this part because at this point I can’t see the screen because of the tears welling up in my eyes.

I met Wendy the first semester of my sophomore year.  I had acquired a coveted corner room in our dormitory but had not selected a roommate.  I had decided to go with the lottery.  Wendy bounced into my life as a freshman.  She walked right into my life that fall day.  I was a fat girl and she was a tooth pick!!  (She would interject here to share that I had actually referred to her in private in those first few days as an f-ing tooth pick.  Mind you, I never swear.)

The fat girl and the toothpick.

I immediately thought we would have nothing in common because she was thin.  She was painfully thin!  Oh how I was so wrong.  We have an amazing friendship and bond.  One of acceptance, forgiveness, unconditional love and for this I am so thankful.  Oh what great times we had in school.

But what amazes me is that I never knew how she saw me.  How even though I have transformed, she still loves me for the soft, round fat girl I was in my sophomore year.  The one who taught her to be proud of a big strong hug.

You know, Wendy really knows who I am.  I am really round and soft inside.  And I give the best hugs!

Friends will see you and remember you for who you are not what you looked like.

Wendy remembers me by how I felt when she hugged me.  Wow.  As you can tell I am cherishing the conversation I had with my friend today.  It was like a gift to me.

So what did I learn today?  Wrap yourself up in your friends.  That I really need to be talking to them about what I have been going through these past eight years.

The support and friendships I have found blogging within the weight loss surgery community has been overwhelming.  But I mustn’t neglect those who know me personally.  The ones who knew me when I was obese.  They have the stories that will  open my eyes.

Recently I posted a “before” picture on the 12 years anniversary of my surgery.  I heard from many people within our community that it was the first time they had seen a “before” picture of me.

I think I am seeing a trend here.  I need to go back and LOOK!